


free fallin'

by mostlyunstablefangirl



Series: water me [2]
Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25767664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlyunstablefangirl/pseuds/mostlyunstablefangirl
Summary: You still visit them sometimes. It’s very, very rarely, and usually when you take nighttime cough syrup while sick. Or while you’re in delirium with an extremely high body temp. Or a terrible combination of the two. Either way, you have to be in a very deep sleep.
Relationships: Rue Bennett/Lexi Howard
Series: water me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869319
Comments: 5
Kudos: 64





	free fallin'

_**Twisted // Ginette Claudette** _

You still visit them sometimes. It’s very, very rarely, and usually when you take nighttime cough syrup while sick. Or while you’re in delirium with an extremely high body temp. Or a terrible combination of the two. Either way, you have to be in a very deep sleep.

Maybe it’s not so much a visit as a fever dream. You’re not telling anyone that you time-travel, anyhow, because you’re already doped up on enough meds. (You think though, if you  _ were  _ delusional, the little blue capsules you already take should be addressing that.)

You take them with more regularity now, because you’re learning that you care about yourself. (And a small voice says in the back of your head that you care about that little glimpse into your future.)

After the first month of recovery, you come down with a horrible cough and your mom worries that you’re going to develop bronchitis. When you were a kid, your sickness would come and go in two days. But you’ve basically fried every system in your body. And that’s what scares Mom the most.

“No, Mom, I can’t take that shi--stuff.” You change your wording as she levels you with a glare.

“Your cough is really bad, Rue. You’re miserable, you can’t sleep, and you know sleep is the first step to healing. A little dextromethorphan isn’t going to get you hooked.”

“That’s what you think,” you say grudgingly, but knock back the faux-grape-flavored syrup anyway.

Lexi texts you at least twice per day. Once in the morning, and once at night. You’re grateful and all, because God knows Jules isn’t texting you, but it makes you uneasy.

Hmm, wonder why. Maybe it’s because you’ve seen that later in life, Lexi is probably going to have a  _ rockin’  _ body and whine your name with blissful abandon.

You text her back in terse chunks, but that doesn’t deter her. Your phone lights again.

Even your mom knows, quirking an eyebrow up at your hesitation. “Tell her that I’m warning her to stay out of here. But if she’s coming over, she can have dinner with us at her own risk.”

She also visits every three days, at minimum, usually prattling about Cassie’s drama or helping you trip over your algebra II homework. You usually just peer up at the brunette through your eyelashes and say nothing, unless you’re prompted, at which you’ll stumble over a response.

You decide to ignore the text just this once, and turn over in bed as your bedroom door clicks shut. You shiver, unsure how anyone can be freezing cold and burning hot at the same time. Your eyes slide shut against the headache and you try to hold still so that your body can shut down.

_**After Party // Don Toliver** _

When you next open your eyes, you’re driving. An inexplicable calm washes over you as you take note of the chiseled biceps, the basketball shorts, the delicate chain encircling the wrist.

“Welcome back,” you chuckle, but it’s not you, not really.

Annoyance washes over you, because of course she--older you--knows, senses it.

She says nothing else to you for the rest of the time that you’re in her body. You just meld, drifting coolly like you’re in a sensory deprivation tank.

You have to admit, these visits are kinda like that immense nothingness that you enjoy when you’re on drugs. The older version of you still knows suffering, still has the occasional obsessive thought, but the difference between your mental health and hers is astounding.

You pull up in front of the Howards’ house, idling. The music beats and trills in the background.

Lexi opens the door, and your interest piques. The world seems to still as she emerges in flat sneakers and a tiny little skirt.

“Hey, baby,” you husk as she slides into the passenger seat, and the beam in response is blinding.

“Hi,” she says, and leans over to kiss you. 

Oh. It’s a wet little peck that makes a resounding smack. And it feels  _ good _ .

The music cuts out.

Your eyes flutter open to find wavy hair curtaining your face. A lingering warmth stings your forehead, as if somebody just kissed it.

The owner withdraws and the face clears as your eye muscles finally contract and focus.

The calm bleeds away and you feel like crying. Where there once was fulfillment, purpose, and a sense of identity, you’re struck with stark loneliness. And a raging sore throat.

It must show on your face, because teenage Lexi’s eyebrows knit together. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. Scoot over.”

You do, and she slides under the covers to crowd at your back.

“I’m gonna get you sick,” you protest weakly.

“I don’t care,” she says simply, and curls an arm around your tummy.

Lexi isn’t...touchy. She’s never been like this, even when you were kids, which is why Jules’s affection was always so tantalizing for you. You were so touch-starved that anything, anything felt like a blessing.

The loneliness recedes as Lexi’s breath tickles your neck. You don’t even remember falling asleep.

_**Free Fallin’ // Ivy Sole** _

The second time it happens, you’re getting your wisdom teeth out. Your mom scheduled it during spring break to guarantee you’d have a miserable vacation.

You’re sitting across from an older Jules in an unrecognizable coffee shop.

You register mild disgust at her style--because really, she’s too old for this. The anime girl getup is bordering on culturally appropriative at this point. The streaks of purple really don’t do her justice.

“So what’s been new with you?” she asks in her high, lilting voice.

“Not much, just been working and doing school. Chillin’ with my mom and Lexi.”

Jules’s eyebrows quirk. “Sounds...enchanting,” she says haltingly, as if she means it with sarcasm.

“It’s actually the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life,” you say, annoyance rising. “What about you?”

Jules begins to ramble about her assistantship, the various workplace dramas, the demands of her powerful female boss. 

“So, you and Lexi, huh,” Jules says finally. “I never saw it coming.”

“Looking back, it was a pretty obvious choice.”

“I always kinda thought it was gonna be you and me,” Jules says with one corner of her lips quirked up.

“No, you never really thought that,” you point out. “Or else you would’ve been less...all over the place.”

“I was young, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. Who did?”

“I did. It was you. I would’ve followed you anywhere, and you knew that. You took advantage of it.”

Jules giggles without humor. “Wow, Rue, I didn’t realize this was gonna be a call-out sesh.”

“I’m not gonna tell you that you weren’t also going through shit. And I know I also put a lot of weight on you, idolizing you or whatever. I’m sorry for that. But I also don’t trust you anymore.”

Jules frowns, thumbing the rim of her coffee mug.

You stand abruptly.

“You’re leaving?” Jules gawks.

“I’m going home to my girlfriend.”

You actually love driving with older Rue.

She drives with one hand, except when performing more complicated maneuvers. It’s such a display of excellence and confidence.

When you ease into the apartment, Lexi is waiting on the sofa as if with bated breath. Her bottom lip has disappeared between her teeth. She sits up to pause her show when you halt just to the left of the coffee table.

And--of course. Of course she’d still feel a little threatened, what with how you acted in high school.

You waggle your eyebrows enticingly. “C’mere, my love.”

She smiles something secretive and clambers off the sofa.

You wake with tears in your eyes and gauze in your mouth and a dull, throbbing pain in the back of your gums. You mostly remember the next moments by being told or video recorded.

In the car, you mumble through cotton in a half-drunk state. “Ma, I needa tex Lessi.”

“Text her what?” she humors you. “Have Gia help you text her.”

You slowly extend your phone to your sister, who’s taken up the passenger seat. She’s filming you and grinning widely at your antics.

“Okay, go,” Gia prompts.

“Ass if she remembes ow old cath.”

“Let’s just call her,” Gia says gleefully.

“Oh, Lord,” your mom chuckles.

Two rings, and Lexi’s voice comes muffled over the phone connection. “Hi, Rue. How did your surgery go?”

“Lexi, listen to Rue, she’s so out of it,” Gia pipes up.

“Gimme thath,” you mutter. “Hi, Less.”

Warmth bleeds into Lexi’s tone. “Hi, Rue. You’re still basically asleep, huh?”

“I wanthed thu thalk thu you.”

“Yeah? Anything in particular?”

“Remember Misthy?”

“I remember Misty.”

“She lubbed you. She hated eberyone elth.”

“I’m honored.”

“I altho lub you and hate eberyone elth.”

There’s a brief silence, and the sound of rustling. “I...love you, too, Rue.”

“I’m gonna eat thoup.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

_**Girls in the Hood // Megan Thee Stallion** _

It’s after midterms of spring semester that it happens again, because you were so tightly-wound all week that you crash the second you can.

“I’m a hot girl! I do hot shit!” Maddy and Cassie scream-sing in the car to the track that’s currently playing. You and Lexi exchange amused looks.

Jules just announced to you that she’s moving to the city this summer. Maybe indefinitely. It burns, but it’s bearable compared to the night she left on a train. You don’t talk much these days, anyway. She crawls through your window when married men cancel hotel rendezvous with her.

All the Nate drama has passed, so she doesn’t need you anymore. You’re a little pleased to think that you also don’t need her.

Meanwhile, you and Lexi have been speaking every day. It’s not as one-sided as right after your overdose. In fact, you start to text Lexi more than she texts you. Whether it’s  _ good morning  _ or funny anecdotes from your day, it all gets siphoned to Lexi.

The other girls start to consider you two a package deal. You wonder what that means. Because you’re not exactly courting Lexi, not explicitly anyway. But what other kind of relationship involves this much communication, day-in and day-out?

You gorge on Chinese food and pass out in Lexi’s bed, even with Maddy and Cassie incessantly gossiping in the background.

You wake up to the most intense pleasure you’ve ever felt.

Sweat beads on your chest as you take in the view below you and oh, Lord. Your first instinct is to look away respectfully, but this body isn’t under your control.

“Rue?”

It’s just you and Lexi in her room when you wake, and thank God for that. You blush mightily, already expecting the coming question.

“What were you dreaming about?”

“I—“

You sit up, floundering for an explanation.

“You said my name.” She cocks her head to the side curiously.

Still overwhelmed by the magnitude of your arousal, you move your mouth without any sound emerging. You think you can still feel the fullness of her lips, and maybe that makes you a perv. Or maybe it just makes you a lovestruck idiot.

You want to test it.

You cant forward, steadying yourself with a hand against Lexi’s waist, and press your lips to hers.

She rises up against you instantly, straightening onto her knees and kissing you back enthusiastically. With surprising harmony, you break off, re-angle, reconnect. Your hands find purchase at the small of her back and smooth over the skin there, rucking up the back of her shirt.

“Rue?” she manages, breaking you out of your trance.

You scramble backward. “Sorry, I should’ve asked first.”

“I liked it,” she says, flushing. “I just wanted to know if we’re—“

“Yeah—I kinda thought we were talking more recently,” you babble.

“Yeah?”

“I mean—I need time to not be such a mess,” you hastily add. “So maybe not...not everything yet?”

Her eyes cloud over with something unrecognizable.

“Not like that,” you backtrack. “I don’t care if—we can tell people, if you want. I don’t care who knows that I like you. I just don’t want to drag you down with me if I fall again.”

“You’ve been so strong,” Lexi almost whispers, brushing a lock of hair back from your face.

You smile tightly. “I’m just worried it won’t be enough.”

“You’ve always been enough for me.”

You see yourself asking her to marry you.

You sense that it’s important it be in front of her family and friends. Your relationship has hardly been a secret—everyone knows how you look at each other—but being private about it takes a toll on Lexi. You can tell that much, even from the few minutes that you’ve been in this dream-realm.

Older you waited for her twenty-fifth birthday, got a whole damn venue. Wore a suit. You admire the fit from above.

You hardly register the toast you give that segues into the proposal. You’re mesmerized by the concept. All sound fades out when the older version of you gets onto one knee and Lexi covers her mouth.

Is that glitter winking around her eyes or tears? Maybe both.

Cassie giggles when you come over and sit on Lexi’s bed now, making excuses to leave the room for hours on end.

Your girlfriend treats it with nonchalance, though you know that’s not how she feels internally. You can sense the storm raging within her, years of confusion and abandonment tossing in her ribcage.

“Why’d you pick me?” she asks quietly one night, smoothing the collar of your shirt. You’re laying opposite her, both propped up on your sides.

You make sure, then, to tell everyone rather loudly that she’s your girlfriend. Even Jules. You feel a small triumph over her, though the purpose of your relationship with Lexi is far from making anyone jealous. 

You didn’t know how to respond at the time.

“I saw,” you say, then quickly swallow. “I see a future with you.” You pause, then consider the melancholy in her words. “Are you worried about it?”

“I’m not Jules,” she says quietly, ducking her head. “I don’t make new trends, I don’t rave and do crazy, stupid things. I’m not unattainable.”

“If you haven’t noticed, doing crazy, stupid things has gotten me into bad situations,” you tease. “Look, Lex, I don’t care if you haven’t done wild shit. In fact, I like it better. You keep me grounded.”

“Something tells me you’ll get bored,” she says, and suddenly her tears stream sideways, wetting the duvet.

“Hey, hey,” you murmur, palming her cheek. “Did I tell you that when I last overdosed, I dreamed about you and me?”

She sniffs. “What?”

“We weren’t particularly wild people. We were going to school, getting our degrees, and living together. I was someone who made my family proud. And most importantly, you were proud of me. Life isn’t about partying or trendsetting, it’s about affecting other people in a positive way. No one does that better than you, Lex.”

Her face crinkles up like she’s about to cry even harder.

You wait it out, certain now that the tears are joyful.

She wipes her face a little and smiles. “In this dream...were we together?”

“Yeah, that’s when I first started...thinking about you that way,” you confess. “You were—I mean, you’re already a ten, Lexi, but you age perfectly. And I was kinda jacked? And we had crazy good sex.”

She sits up on her elbow.

You wonder if you shouldn’t have said all that.

But then she leans down until her lips brush your ear. You don’t realize how much this knowledge is affecting her until she asks huskily, “You wanna recreate it?”

**SIX YEARS LATER**

You feel the moment that you start living it. You’re driving one day, not paying a great deal of attention, as the route is familiar enough.

Your hand goes to Lexi’s thigh, grazing up higher until she giggles and squirms.

It’s a weekend, a damn good weekend, and Gia is back in town for the summer. You’re on the way to pick her up and head to the beach.

And then you notice that the voices in your head aren’t so loud. The messy urges have dulled. Love and light and pride? Are attainable.

“What?” Lexi asks.

“Nothing,” you say. “I’m just really happy.”


End file.
